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Well, here I am at last, after an utterly awful weekend. I'm a little…

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Well, here I am at last, after an utterly awful weekend. I'm a little better today, though I still feel like a huge shattered bleeding wound on the inside. But today the 'good stuff' doesn't feel light as dust in the scales against my pain, so I can get myself to post here.

     The catbird has been here a few weeks, and I heard him singing some mornings on my way to the bus. But this weekend is the first time I've heard his bright, disjointed singing by my apartment. I cherish it. I also heard the oriole today. That's a treasure I only get to enjoy some 1-5 days of each spring, but I've trained myself to recognize his voice. There can't be anything sweeter (save avarii?) and that too I cherish.

     Good news out of the Gunflint about the Ham Lake fire. As of yesterday, the East Bearskin and Flour Lake campgrounds are open again. I am glad--I would have bawled if Flour Lake burned. And as of today, the fire is completely contained on the American side. Hopefully some of those 500+ firemen still up there can help the Canadians on their side. They anticipate that the evacuation order will be raised 8 am Tuesday.

     Last but not least, I hit the 50 book mark today in fiction rereads, not including non-fiction. It feels gratifying skimming along my shelves and finding them liberally speckled with books I've already savored this year. Just need to quit thinking of more titles to add!

     And tomorrow is Monday. Good. I would not have been able to function at work Saturday, but Monday bodes to be busy for me, and that's a good thing.



EDIT: This just in! Breaking news! THE LAST CHAPTER OF BETH'S AWAKENING IS UP!
Emotional Status:
crushed crushed
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On May 21st, 2007 01:40 am (UTC), silvanime commented:
Oh, gorgeous. I'm so sorry to hear that you are still in so much pain. I wish there was something I could do, especially since you've done such a wonderful job of bringing a smile to my face over the last few days.
On May 21st, 2007 02:35 pm (UTC), hyarmi_records replied:
Thanks, Beth. Caring enough to notice and say something is a gift in itself.

Besides, one of the symptons of clinical depression that I have in full measure is a defective memory and grasp of time. Friday night already feels like a week ago, and the heartbreak at the end of April like half a year past. Each day has enough misery of its own--I'm glad I can't recall too far into the past! (Though it means I can't ever fall behind with my journal or I'll remember nothing to write down ;)
[User Picture]
On May 22nd, 2007 04:47 am (UTC), silvanime replied:
I hope this is not out of place, but if it's clinical, are you seeing someone about it? Of course, I'm not biased, having an intern psychologist for a boyfriend ;D
On May 22nd, 2007 05:45 pm (UTC), hyarmi_records replied:
Heh, and I'm biased in the other direction. I'm leery enough of drugs that mess with the brain when they're based on a paradigm of depression that's overly-simplistic and controversial. But I loathe the thought of counseling far and above any medication.
And I've read it often enough: a great number of people in my country go undiagnosed and untreated for major depression...but the world hasn't collapsed yet. Right now I'm satisified with being aware of my symptons, and reading about the baggage and blind spots that come with it. Obviously, if it gets to the point where my job is in jeopardy, then I'll have to throw in the towel.
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On May 23rd, 2007 01:09 am (UTC), silvanime replied:
And that's fair enough too. You're a strong person, self-aware, intelligent and capable of finding out the information for yourself. Besides, psychologists are expensive and it can be hard to find a good one.

If there's anything you want to ask, let me know. I find Sahaquiel to be an invaluable source of information on these sorts of things.
On May 23rd, 2007 11:23 am (UTC), hyarmi_records replied:
(Don't remind me: the only sorts of psychologists I'd be likely to trust wouldn't be covered by my insurance)

But thank you: for the kind words and the offer. =)